• haha. i hit "return" instead of "tab" in the title and it just Made The Post. oops.
• i credit last week's make-ahead meals as the thing that kept me from having a nervous breakdown this week. it makes such a difference to have resources at hand to adequately care for myself, and approaching care from a resourcing perspective has been very effective for me lately. the food lasted me almost exactly the week (i have just one burrito left), and we are doing the thing again today, and i will be slicing some carrots after this. the power of routine.
• it is because of the carrots that i remembered i did a little "unedited coffee thoughts" thing last week, and it sounded nice to do another mini retrospective from a completely different mindset. the power of routine (?)
• i have been simultaneously entertaining the narratives of "i am hanging by a thread" and "i am completely okay", and ultimately i know that "i am completely okay" is the True one, and "i am hanging by a thread" is kind of a contextualization cope, if that makes any sense. that sounds mildly derogatory but i don't mean it that way; it's more a way of making sense of something that is really happening, but not the totality of what is real. and it allows me the space for empathy without embroilment, and preserves my agency in this situation.
• i haven't been journaling, except in brief fits where i barely comprehend what comes out. my attention spills out haywire and i feel the only way of organizing it is to allow the flood to pass. but then i don't journal and it all dams up. what an interesting observation i have just made that i have not previously articulated to myself. what could i possibly do with that now that it's been explicitly noticed.
• i am loving Lorelei and the Laser Eyes. 40% progress report: i have gone from "this is cool and i get why people were talking about it" to "ohhh shit i am having Thoughts about Art!!!" it's also really great to be playing with another person because (a) collaborating on solving the puzzles is fun, and more importantly (b) i have someone to turn to and go "this is awesome" whenever there's something awesome.

ok, i am ready to peel and slice the carrots. until next time ✌️