trying to organize scraps. trying to find my questions. deciding what it means if i write and never revisit. is this okay? am i okay? i found some things i hadn't looked at in a while. in the work break room all cabinets close and drawers shut anonymously, no handles, no labels. you always have to open to know where to look. i make do but i know it takes extra cognitive effort, i know i'd prefer to see "the mess". i'm surrounded by piles and doing nothing about them. doing nothing is a form of doing something, there's always something happening. i maintain my contradictions in order to keep still. the sun rises in the spring. earlier and sets later. i pathologize normal human feeling into absolute statements about myself. shame is pride's cloak. i could live and die this way.

• Who am I in private?
• Is it cringe if no one is around to witness it?
• Which words are lighter than liquid or air?
• What visceral sensations arise in response?
• What thoughts pass through mind first?
• What is the quality of the manner in which I reflexively make sense of what goes on?
• How do I embed or remove myself?
• If my preoccupations express my values, then what are my values?
• To know and listen to my heart, my body, whatever perception manifests itself to my awareness?
• How could it be?
• Focus?
• All these things connect to one core thing?
• So what, if the pen dwells upon a word longer than the mind is wiling?
• Where is the movement of the pen coming from?
• Have I ever looked?
• Have I ever felt?
• Did I ever see as a child?
• And I am asking for more?
• What do I find, circling this drain?
• Is that true?
• How long could I go on?
• Maybe later?
• Has the mind exhausted itself yet?
• What are the problems with my perfect instrument?
• Does it matter to have names for these things, these parts?
• The writing of the tortured tight throat is here, but what if it were open?
• What if my diaphragm bellowed in these signs?
• (distinct from pleasuring them – but how?)
• How else could I be so part of a whole yet misunderstood?
• Who cares?
• OK, why are you expressing this then?
• Why else would the bottom of my sock be sticky?
• With stray papers, what is there to be done?
• Is there any point in asking about fear?
• But then where is the appetite?
• How does a whale or coral experience age?
• Is this how it works?
• Running from the realm of the image and coming back: what's this?
• Wounded and diminished?
• What are the quanta of rhythm?
• Except – except what if there is a different there?
• One we were not taking into account?
• Maybe?
• "Where" mattering happens?
• Space conceives of a "position"?
• A zone of contextual stability?
• But what happens when I approach "no-space" with curiosity, play with "no-space"?
• "Then what?"
• Something that goes back to the first thought of "where" mattering happens?
• What of respectful engagement?

WebEx is short for WebEx-Girlfriend

edit: realizing it is Webex and not WebEx… original post is still true though.

i should get one of those robes people put on after a shower. i realize they have a name but it's fun to call it a robe to put on after a shower. because that's what i'd use it for.

mostly a note to say i am alive. life is changing. i noticed that i haven't written in my journal in over a month. i may have fallen out of touch with myself over the past several weeks. i may habitually get like this around fall, which is funny because i also like to think that fall is my "favorite season".

some things i do for love / some things i do for money / it ain't like i don't want it / it ain't like i'm above it. about two and a half months ago, i quit my old job in order to take a new job which is very much like my old job, but with more responsibility and much more pay. with my sign-on bonus, i bought one semimodular synth, and then i bought another, and now i think i'm good on synths for a while. i have been sometimes recording and putting jams here: https://stash.distant.homes/jams/

for as much as things are changing, my struggles remain obstinately the same. skill issue. i am certain that what i need is very simple. i have yet to get out of my own way.

time is passing

the strange pleasantness of living alone and leaving the radio on in another room

bought some "easy pants" today and after putting them on it really made me wonder why have we been making pants so difficult

my most piscean trait is my need to coregulate with large bodies of water

waking up just after 3 am with perfect clarity about how to do something i fumbled in the past sure is a feeling of all time.

the "pleasant" aspect of this feeling is when you sleep on something and you gain access to a perspective that you're consequently able to act from. this is the "unpleasant" aspect: it had consequence in the moment but is utterly inconsequential now, i can't go back and save face about it, it was so particular to the situation i can't apply it to "future learnings"—

is that last part true? surely there is a lesson to generalize and metabolize beyond the situation... but i probably have to sleep on it to find out.....