update on my destiny: my determination dissolved fully in the wake of my habit and desire to curl up and be on one side, then just before sleep, to roll to the other. how could back sleeping ever feel as good? a question to cover my cowardice and lack of discipline toward laying with the uncomfortable mystery

been a bit since i shared any updates here. i'm going to start sleeping on my back tonight. i am determined to do this. i am embracing my destiny

the urgent care clinic sent me an email with the subject "happy healthiversary" so now i know it's the two-year anniversary of when i experienced sudden hearing loss in one ear for a couple weeks!!! great 👍

updating the time on my three offline clocks* before going to bed. i will wake up tomorrow and they will already be set... thrilling!!! i am 35 years old

* "what are they" stove clock, alarm clock, watch clock. thank you so much for asking, have a great day/night/whatever

bro i'm so done with vitamin deficiencies. it is the year 2025 and i need to quit being deficient in vitamins for even a single day longer. yeah i'm serious

remember when guys were named todd? actually i've never met a todd

i wonder, what is the biggest lie that i have ever told anyone that they were naive enough to believe in spite of the evidence in front of them... it is probably horrible and terrible. hit me up in the comments if you know!

the biggest lie that anyone ever told me that i was naive enough to believe in spite of the evidence in front of me: "my place is only this messy because of my roommates, not me"

i found an envelope on the ground today. a white envelope, in a fairly wide open area with a decent amount of foot traffic. it had not been there long enough to get stepped on, but there was also no obvious suspect for who dropped it in sight... though there was a crowd of ~30 people watching live music not too far away. maybe it belonged to one of them. i opened the envelope.

it was a greeting card. addressed to someone, and then signed from someone. but no personal message, no date, no "dear", no "love". just two first names, and the message that came printed in the card.

i did not attempt to find whoever dropped the greeting card.

• what did public transportation waiting areas look like 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 50 years ago. Before "Phones" I Mean. i spent a lot of time in public transportation waiting areas today and i spent a lot of that time observing how most people were on phones. i know we had other rectangles before this — static, printed rectangles. even squares that people filled in with letters sometimes. but sometimes i sit in public and look around and think "am i the only person looking around and thinking right now?"

• when a group of people are waiting for public transportation together, it is less likely but still not unlikely that these people will be on their phones.

• having all these Phones But Too Much thoughts feels incredibly basic but also like i think there's phones but too much. the thing that's incredibly basic is trying to defend it like with that one comic where everyone is texting a loved one or whatever. bullshit, my unqualified counterclaim is that at least 50% of people are scrolling through toxic social media. personally i will smile and laugh due to messages i get on my phone and i did not see one single person smiling or laughing at something on their phone so, idk, seems strange.

• what do i do on my phone in public? i've never answered this question for myself before. the answer is "messages" and "look stuff up" (map, thing i saw, thing that someone else mentioned, maybe thing that popped into my head). it's great to simply not have social media as an option. i could look at my RSS reader, and i have during some idle times, but something i hadn't considered formalizing is what if i: don't. i didn't when i was out today! what if that's just an "at home" activity instead. that seems like a good idea, i'm formalizing that for myself now 👍

• i called these saturday thoughts because the day is saturday but it seems like these are all phones [sic] thoughts so far.

• do you ever feel a wave of sleepy sneak up and crash down on you? this just happened to me!!! i love to be excited to get into bed before 9 pm and read a book until lights out these days.

• last night i said this (friday thought) and then i watched a youtube video on my phone instead. very annoying get it together 🙄

• among the many phases and eras i have started this year… i was not calling it this until now but i am in my discontinuation era. this is where i discontinue things and the things specifically are the mood-altering drugs that i put in my body. it started a few weeks ago when i woke up one day after several months of having "a skosh of weed" nearly every single day and felt at a very deep level that actually i did not want weed anymore. not as an intention that i had to set and struggle toward, but as an impulse that vanished. and now i have also replaced coffee with tea, and i have been off my antidepressants for a week, and it seems fine. it actually seems fine!

• at any given mundane moment i might find myself with the thought "maybe this is all my life will ever be" and i think the followup is always "i'm ok with that" but that seems awfully suspicious now that i type it out.

• there are a bunch of things that i had very sketchily planned on getting done today that i did not get done. i made no promises to anyone and yet i am a little sorry for this. not annoying but also i must believe i can do better.